Things Get Complicated
by zero0000
Summary: She was a jounin sensei with compassion in her heart. He was a single parent with a stick up his ass. Will one night of drunkeness be enough to bring them together or is it all just a one time thing? HiaKure. Rated for safety
1. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

**Things Get Complicated**

**-by zero0000-**

**-Chapter One-**

**Whiskey Tango Foxtrot**

_Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, there would be a lot more blood and gore. Mostly on account of everyone would have been carrying guitar cases full of automatic weapons instead of those puny little ninja pouches with silly stuff like kunai and shuriken. _

xxx

In vino veritas

(In wine, there is truth)

Hyuuga Hiashi's head was pounding like it got hit with a sledgehammer. Now, this really wasn't a common occurrence. The clan head blinked furiously to knock the sleep out of his vision and somehow recreate the situations of last night.

His memory was a blank. Not good.

Usually when mornings were concerned, Hiashi would be up by the crack of four in the morning, have his daily six cups of coffee and maybe spar with Neji. It was his routine (boring as it was) and people his age just did not do well with deviating from a set routine. He looked around and frowned at the sight of early morning sunlight pouring through the blinds. From the looks of things, it was at least nine in the morning, the way the light was tilted in the particular angle—

Wait, did his room even have blinds? Hiashi never recalled putting blinds in the Hyuuga mansion's master bedroom, so it puzzled him to think just how in the hell there were blinds here. Lavender eyes looked around the room, opening wide when he saw the clothes scattered all over the place. _Oh damn_, he thought. _I'm in another person's apartment…_

"Oh…what hit me?"

The clan head turned to his left, at a slowly moving mass of brownish curls and creamy white skin. The (presumably) woman's head turned to the right, revealing the sleep-soaked face of Yuuhi Kurenai. "Oh crap," Hiashi cursed aloud. This was not good. Definitely not good. Scarlet eyes opened, meeting white. Lungs filled with breath, mouths opened to scream.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

xxx

"Hiashi are you all right?"

The clan head snapped out of his reverie, surprised that he was even out of focus for even a moment. The Hyuuga council meetings were possibly the most boring affairs in Fire Country, so it was no surprise that even the most determined clan member would nod off every once in a while. Still, Hyuuga Hiashi prided himself with being able to withstand even the most torturously boring moments of the weekly gatherings.

Okay so maybe he might not quite put it that way, but this is my fic and I'll write it the way I want, damn it!

Anyway. Back to the story.

"You all right m'boy?" a grandfatherly type Hyuuga asked. "You look like hell. You sure you're sleeping okay?" Hiashi frowned again, annoyed that for some reason the clan elders were rounding up on him. "I thank you for your concern," he said "But I assure you that I'm all right."

The old men looked doubtful, and began pointing out the many reasons why Hiashi shouldn't have been all right. The clan head struggled to mask his irritation, for once bothered by the Byakugan's ability to read emotions.

"You've always been working too hard."

"Always sticking your head in clan matters."

Irritated, the clan head failed to mask his irritation when he said "thank you for your concern but I assure you that I'm fine!" inciting the ire of the old men of the clan. Needless to say, a full dose of the Byakugan Death Glare™ fired from six directions was not one of the most comforting sights on the planet. Hiashi rethought his strategy, choosing (wisely) to shut his pie hole.

"…sorry."

"As we were saying," Hiashi's second uncle twice removed said, switching off his bloodline "the clan head needs to be in tip top shape, physically and mentally to be able to be effective in matters of clan governance."

"What your uncle is saying is that you've become so anally retentive we think you deserve a break!" laughed another grandfatherly type. "Chill!" The others joined him in his merriment, annoying the clan head even more. _Chill indeed,_ Hiashi snorted inwardly. _What kind of elder says such words anyway? He sounds like a bloody teenager for crying out loud!_

When the laughter died down, one of the elders spoke to a branch house member standing guard. "Tomo, be a good boy and fetch Neji for us." The branch house member, a twenty-something chuunin, bowed low and formally.

"At once, Elder."

Hiashi pressed a pair of fingers on the bridge of his nose, using his superior ninja concentration skills to fight the building migraine in the base of his head. Little did he know, this day was bound to go from bad, worse, to gale force shit storms.

All over Konoha a sense of impending doom fell upon the populace.

xxx

Hyuuga Neji was one of the village's youngest jounin, also one of the most psychologically challenged. It wasn't common knowledge that he saw a psychiatrist regularly (actually not so much when you consider his childhood) and spent two hours of every week in a comfortable chair, spilling his guts to a total stranger. Of course, most of the one hundred twenty minute discourses revolve only on extended elaborations of a single sentence consisting of six words.

"It's all the Main House's fault."

Yes, Neji had issues. He had lots of them indeed. Though the repetitive therapies had not been a total waste. Once, the Hokage decided on impulse to play a recording of one of those sessions in the presence of a rather stubborn Sound shinobi. The village's best interrogators led by Morino Ibiki had failed on repeated attempts to derive information from the captured ninja. After the tape finished playing though, he begged in tears and on his knees for the opportunity to cooperate with the Leaf, ending the request with a plea for suitable facilities with which to kill himself with.

Neji had issues all right. Lots of them.

"Neji-san, the Elders wish to speak with you."

The Hyuuga prodigy turned around with the Byakugan Death Glare™ powered up and forced his annoyance down when he found himself faced with a branch house member he hung out with sometimes. Muttering a quick apology to a fellow oppressed branch house member, he left in the direction of the meeting hall.

How he hated the Main House. How he hated them all.

It took him a good five minutes to reach the meeting hall. A five minutes he could have spent training. Or harassing Hinata (_wait, she's on a mission. Right…_). The prodigy bowed formally to the elders before shooting his uncle a quick Death Glare™ before he sat on the tatami, a little over six feet to his left. "You called for me?" Neji inquired.

"Neji my boy, would you consider yourself a young, vibrant jounin?"

The teen blinked, unsure of even how to respond to the question. He had been prepared to defend his sanity against the ramblings of these old coots who had been responsible for most of the suffering he endured in his life. These were _they_, these were _them_, the very manifestations of the main house's oppressive power. How he would have loved to take them down in a contest of intellects. He was a genius, damn it, what couldn't he do?

But since none of that material even remotely resembled the question, Neji just did the one thing that would count as a valid response, and in so doing set the doped up wheels of Deus Ex Machina spinning.

He said yes.

The elders' eyes brightened as they started chatting excitedly among themselves. "Neji," the prodigy's second uncle four times removed began "I'm sure you've noticed that your uncle Hiashi here isn't exactly the most sociable person on the country. We have decided in a unanimous vote that he needs to spend some time away from matters involving the clan and focus on himself."

"I see that, but…" Neji began, Inner Neji saying "**What the fuck! He's already too wrapped up in himself, the bastard!**" in between. "…what does this have to do with me?"

"The council has decided to elect you to show your uncle around the town. I'm sure as a vibrant, young jounin, you would be the best person for the job."

To say that Neji was taken aback by the clan's decision would be an understatement. To say that he was shocked, would be an understatement still. To say that he pulled a classic pretty-bishounen move and fainted in the middle of the clan council however, was pretty much on the dot.

Thud.

The elders stared intently at Neji's unconscious form, their pale unblinking eyes still marred by disbelief. "Pussy," someone coughed. The elders turned to see Hiashi, consciously trying to project a "what the hell did I do now?" look. "Even at middle age you're still a juvenile," Hiashi's fifth uncle said. The others nodded in agreement.

"Anyway, the elders are in agreement. Hiashi, you will be escorted by Neji in some of Konoha's jounin watering holes. Hopefully we'll get you drunk enough that the hangover would force you into an extended vacation. Is this clear?"

"Don't I have a choice in this matter?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"That's cause were elders. We can do these things.."

"Ah. Right."

That evening uncle and nephew found themselves traversing the streets of Konoha at nine in the evening. Honestly, Neji didn't really have any semblance of a night life. His job as jounin was pretty time consuming in itself, added to the fact that he was pretty obsessed with training 24/7. Sure he went on those weekly jounin gatherings at that place with the grill in the middle of the table (you know, that place) but other than that his social life was pretty much…nil.

But do you think he'd admit that? Hell no!

So, while giving the impression of leading Hiashi to this one bar he knew that would really be swinging (is it even cool to say that anymore?), Neji was actually searching for one decent looking one just so he could get this bloody evening over and done with. A few minutes of scanning the buildings and he found a sign that looked promising. It read "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot." Okay. That sounded a little bit cool. Neji led them both to the door where an intimidating shinobi with a familiar looking cloak was standing as bouncer.

"I'd like to see some ID," the bouncer said, addressing Neji. Hiashi went ahead, since obviously he was above the age of consent while Neji dug around his pockets for some ID. "I'm going on ahead," Hiashi said. "Meet me at the bar and try not to embarrass me too badly."

The Hyuuga prodigy frowned. "Stupid pockets always…aha!" he said, holding up a card identifying him as a member of the Konoha Jounin corps. The bouncer glanced through it and said ""You're a minor. Can't let you in."

"What!"

"You're a minor, can't let you in. Get it yet!"

Neji was flabbergasted. He was jounin for crying out loud! Most shinobi don't even live past the age of thirty and this moron was going to make him stay outside just because he was sixteen! Unbelievable! "I'm old enough to fight a war and I'm not even old enough to drink?" the Hyuuga seethed. "Is that what you're telling me?" The familiar-looking bouncer nodded. "Yeah that pretty much sums it up," he stated.

"Let me in."

"No."

"Let me in."

"No."

"Let me in."

"No."

"Let me in."

"No."

"Let me in."

"No."

"Let me in."

"No."

"Let me in."

"No."

"Let me in."

"No."

"Damn it!"

"Still no."

Neji's Byakugan flared on as his anger grew past the boiling point. It was about then that the bouncer stepped out of the shadows and into the neon lighting, revealing his face and clothes to the young jounin. Neji's eyes widened in horror at who he saw.

"Itachi!" he said, incredulous. "What the hell are you doing back in Konoha! And why are you the bouncer?" Itachi shrugged his shoulders. "Being a missing nin is getting a bit too expensive for me," he admitted. "Plus Akatsuki really doesn't pay that much anymore since the last company downsizing."

"B-but…"

"Why the hell not? Pay's good. You should see Kisame. He's the bartender."

Itachi's a bouncer and Kisame's a bartender? What the hell was happening with this planet! Neji wondered to himself as he ran his fingers through his perfectly conditioned hair. "I'll need a drink just to be able to handle that," he said, and tried to open the door to the inside of the bar. Itachi's arm prevented him from doing so.

"What the hell is it now!"

"Minor. Can't let you in."

"I don't believe this…"

xxx

_What the hell is taking that imbecile so long!_ Hiashi said to himself. He had been nursing the same cup of liquor for thirty minutes, unsure of what to do with a cocktail called the "Adios Motherfucker." "You know," the decidedly shark-like bartender was saying "that thing isn't going to drink itself." The clan head nodded in apology, saying "I'm sorry, but I'm waiting for someone."

The bartender nodded sagely, cleaning a shot glass with his rag. "Aren't we all?" he said. "We walk through most of life alone and waiting in vain for that one person who'll make every moment worth living. But alas and alack, the journey is long and hard and not many people will find waiting agreeable with--"

"No, I'm literally waiting for my companion."

"Ah, of course. Carry on."

Hiashi watched the bartender move past him, all the time wondering what that weird-looking object with a handle on his back was and why it needed to be covered in bandages. He shuddered. Perhaps the atmosphere of this place wasn't doing him the good he thought it was. Or rather what the elders thought. Damn those elders. Why can't they just die off like normal old people! His glass went up to his lip and he recoiled when he smelled how potent the mixture was. What the hell do they put in this stuff? Gasoline? He asked the bartender and he gave him a look that said "you don't want to know."

Hiashi relented, and let his eyes wander. There was quite a number of shinobi in the room and spotted quite a few he recognized. He was about to wave a hand in greeting when he stopped mid motion and decided such behavior was beneath him. Good heavens, he was the Hyuuga clan head for crying out loud! He shouldn't be spending the evening in some crummy bar in the middle of Konoha's red light district! Hiashi dropped his head in his hands, restraining the urge to weep.

_Things couldn't possibly get any worse…_

Little did Hiashi realize that the great and glorious zero0000, Overlord of the Fic and Drinker of the Coffee was listening intently to his every thought. Oh things were going to get worse all right. Yes indeed, he was in for the night of his life…

xxx

"Is that Hyuuga Hiashi?"

Hatake Kakashi looked up from his now empty plate, ignoring the fact that Mitarashi Anko was now staring at him like a googley-eyed school girl. He trained his single eye at the figure hunched at the bar and nodded. "Wonder if we should ask him to join us?" he drawled. Maito Gai raised his fist in the air, saying "yes! All shinobi should band together in the celebration of the summer of youth!"

Sarutobi Asuma raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure he even wants to hang out with us?" he asked. "You have to admit, he's pretty big of a recluse. I don't know if he'll even appreciate being around people he considers below him." A backhanded slap on the back of the head made him yell in pain. Yuuhi Kurenai gave him a disapproving look. "That's low Asuma. Even for you." The jounin lit another cigarette and tch'ed in irritation.

Shizune sipped her tea (tell me, who the hell drinks tea in a bar?) and furrowed her brow. "Well," she began. "However he reacts its still not nice for anybody to be alone on such a wonderful night. Perhaps Gai has a point in his suggestion." The spandex-clad taijutsu specialist burst into tearful weeping.

"Shizune, flower of Konoha!" he crooned. "Your words bring such joy to this old jaded heart of mine!" as he attempted to actually hug the medical ninja, Gai was met with a facefull of pepper spray and a Taser shot in the groin. As Gai writhed on the floor, Shizune took another sip of her tea. "Sorry," she stated. "But I'm allergic to green spandex wearing taijutsu specialists." Everyone else nodded sagely.

Kurenai shook her head. "Well one of us should go up to him and ask him if he wants to join us," she said, but was met with blank looks. "Oh come on! Don't be like that!" the kunoichi frowned. "Shizune, I bet you're sociable enough to go up to the guy."

The medical ninja nodded. "I guess there's nothing to lose in…wait a minute." She looked outside the window concentrating on something in the skies. A huge searchlight beacon was waving around the clouds with a single kanji displayed on the center. It read "pig." "It's the Shizune signal!" the medic exclaimed, making the others' jaws drop. "Sorry! Gotta go! The Hokage needs me!" Without warning the kunoichi pulled out a grappling hook launcher from her utility belt and zipped up through the sky light.

"Okay…" Kakashi drawled, putting down his empty beer stein. "What in the hell was that?" Asuma nodded thoughtfully. "I never noticed she was wearing a utility belt. Are we even allowed utility belts?" Kurenai shook her head in disbelief.

"So I guess you'll have to go up to Hiashi then, Asuma."

"Why?"

"Because I said so."

"Oh fine," the jounin said in resignation. "Let me just finish this stick here…" Asuma took a drag, and suddenly he was shaking with violent spasms. A group of white-coated medics carrying a stretcher burst into the bar and ran frantically to where Asuma was lying. A nurse pressed a stethoscope on his chest and held it there for a few minutes. "This man in the advanced stages of an S-class tuberculosis!" the nurse declared. "And he has lung cancer!"

As the medics dragged Asuma away to the sound of an ambulance siren, Kurenai pinched the bridge of her nose. "Well," she admitted "it was going to happen sooner or later. Guess that leaves you two, Kakashi and An…" the kunoichi blinked and blinked again. Anko was forcibly trying to pry Kakashi's tonsils off with her tongue.

Ew.

Irritated, Kurenai threw her hands in the air. "Fine! I'll go ask him if we can join us!" She grabbed a random shot glass and forced it down to give her strength. The kunoichi wavered for a moment, surprised at the strength of the shot.

The kunoichi was already on her way to the bar when Anko came up for air and lit a cigarette. She reached for her drink and found it gone from the table. "Kakashi honey," Anko asked. "Did you take my drink?"

"Uh no. You were kinda cleaning out my throat with your tongue."

"Oh dear."

"Why?"

"Cause I ordered an Adios Motherfucker. Triple strength."

"Then I hope Kurenai can handle her liquor then."

"She can't. Why do you think she ordered the orange juice?"

The silver-haired jounin blinked and noted the half touched glass of OJ on the booth. "Wow," Kakashi said. "This is going to be one interesting conversation I think."

xxx

A/N: Hello all. Again I'm back in the realm of humor fics. This is the first attempt I had at pairing Hyuuga Hiashi with anyone. Actually this is the only fic I've seen Hiashi paired off at all. Cool.

Anyway, hope this takes off. Been writing too much action lately and I wanted to get these humor juices off my system so I can concentrate on CBM. Don't worry, I got this entire fic planned out too.

Another note: the Adios Motherfucker is an actual, real world cocktail. Still have no idea how its made so I can't give you any more details. If anybody out there knows what it is, then please tell me cause I'm dying to know.

Toodles. Please review.


	2. Punk'd

**--Chapter Two--**

**Punk'd **

**(And the Awkward Moments that Come After)**

"Your fate has been decided this night," the Hyuuga prodigy said, switching on his Byakugan and dropping into an all-too-familiar stance. The legendary bloodline made him see into his opponent's three hundred plus tenketsu and then some. "You are in my range of divination," Neji seethed.

Itachi continued reading his book, impressed at the surprising literary quality of the Icha-Icha Paradise. He had caught his Kakashi-sempai reading the book many times and immediately dismissed it as perverted. But to find such impeccable writing style in porn? Pulitzer Prize quality work? Who'd have thunk it! _Maybe Jiraiya-sama had something here_, Itachi concluded. Neji continued ranting about fate and crap, while the nukenin continued to be absorbed in his book.

The Jyuuken was a martial art designed to close off the tenketsu points of an opponent. To a Hyuuga trained properly in the arts of this style, the means to stop an opponent using chakra and thereby disable the techniques roster of said opponent making him or her utterly useless. Case and point? The Jyuuken master was one who had mad chakra-disabling, ass-kicking taijutsu skillz.

Mad skillz indeed.

Gathering chakra to his feet in an attempt to super-speed his movements, Neji launched himself at Itachi and took aim at the nukenin's chakra coils. "**Hakke: Hyakunijuu Hachiishou! (Eight Trigrams Divination, One Hundred-Twenty-Eight Palms of the Hand!)**" Neji yelled. The Uchiha yawned dumbly and pulled out the folding chair he was sitting on from under him and in one smooth motion—

Huwaapakk. Owned.

…Imprinted Neji's left profile in the steel sitting implement. Itachi stared, not even bothering take his now Sharingan-powered eyes from the book. "Minor," the Akatsuki stated. "Not getting in." Neji face-planted on the pavement as Itachi pulled the steel folding chair (now bearing his distinctive profile) off from his opponent's face before turning to another page.

"I love this job," he said. "Maybe I should quit the Akatsuki and do this full time."

xxxx

Hiashi laughed uncontrollably, his composure tossed in the wind somewhere in the middle of the last five shots of liquor. They switched to tequila now, Kurenai saying something like "noffing loosens a girl up like tequila." Or at least I think that's what she said. She was slurring the words something fierce by that time. Hiashi downed another shot glass and bit forcefully into the lemon wedge he had in his free hand. "You were telling me about that asswipe father of one of your students?" he asked, barely noticing his own head slamming into the counter. The Hyuuga patriarch remained conscious and stared sleepily at the kunoichi, not even minding the pool of drool slowly building up on the wooden surface.

Kurenai grinned in that lopsided way people who got extremely plastered often did. "He was a fucker alright," the kunoichi stated, waving her hand around to banish the fluffy pink bunnies doing the Can-Can on her forehead. Stupid pink bunnies. "I had to find Hinata a special therapist. D'you know how hard it is to find a fucking therapist in a fucking shinobi village?" by now Kurenai was shaking her finger, addressing her companion and his twin, or rather the two (dozen) identical men he was apparently sitting with. "Shay," she asked. "W-wh-why the f-f-fuck didn't you tell me you had a twin?" Hiashi laughed hard, spilling tequila from his nose.

"Cause he's dead bitch! As a doorknob!"

"Not talking about that one, moron. Ish talking about these ones with you."

"Dude, you're fucking plastered!"

"And you're not totally trashed?"

More raucous laughter. "My daughter's a ninja too you know," Hiashi finally stumbled out, taking another shot glass and precariously tipping it in his mouth. Damn his hand won't stop shaking. "Her sensei's hot. Porn star hot. Why the hell did that useless daughter of mine get such a fuckable sensei, damn it!"

"So nail her then."

"Can't." Kurenai slammed a fist down the table, spilling her drink down her blouse. Hiashi blinked, the sound momentarily stopping his train of thought. What was he saying again? Lavender eyes looked blearily at the beautiful woman at his side

"Why the hell not!"

"Yeah! Why the hell not!"

Hiashi pumped his fist in the air, which had Gai been conscious (he was still having violent spasms from the Taser blast and the pepper spray) the green-clad taijutsu specialist would have made sure to make some remark about **The Flames of Youth!** _Ping!_ Crashing waves and dramatic sunset. Kurenai laughed and made an offhand comment about caterpillar brows. Hiashi understood none of it, but still laughed because crazy old drunks did that sometimes.

Kisame took note of this recent turn in the conversation and shook his head. He made a call to Itachi at the front door and asked him to call a cab for two drunken customers at the bar. The shark-like missing-nin picked up the pair and slung them over his shoulder in a fireman's carry. Both were too giggly to protest. Kisame hoped to Kami-sama these idiots didn't throw up all over him. Vomit stains were extremely hard to get out you know. "All right everybody," he called to the remaining people in the bar. "Last call for alcohol. It's closing time people." His words were met with some protests, quickly silenced when the towering shinobi stepped into the light with a drawn Samehada.

S class missing nin tend to shut people up more effectively that way.

Kisame hated this part of the job most of all. Sighing with discontent, he dragged the now unconscious fools out the door and left them at Itachi's feet. The Uchiha blinked and pointed at them. "What the hell am I supposed to do with these guys?" Kisame stared at him blankly, with a look that said "Oh, and I'm supposed to tell you?" Itachi raised his left eyebrow. The shark man threw his hands in the air.

"Drag them in the cab I told you to call."

"Uh Kisame, I can't do that."

"Why the hell not?"

Itachi shrugged his shoulders. "This is Konoha you gigantic buffoon," he said. "There aren't any cars in this hick town. Let alone taxis." Realization hit Kisame like the steel chair hit Neji.

"Oh right."

"So what the hell now?"

"We can't just leave these two here!"

Itachi bent down, reaching into Kurenai's blouse with his right hand. Kirame started to shout in protest, what kind of man was this groping an unconscious woman! His intended tongue lashing fell short when Itachi pulled out a standard issue kunoichi dog tag. Itachi's eyes narrowed as he attempted to read the scratched-up metal plate.

"We take them home then," Itachi stated. "We'll just drop them off this girl's place." Kisame heaved a sigh of relief. One more burden from his mind. "Let me just close up shop and I'll help you carry them home," the shark-man said. "The regulars don't exactly leave willingly this time of night."

Itachi nodded in agreement as he stared at the unconscious people on his pavement, ignoring Neji because the bastard really deserved what he got. This was going to be one long night.

xxx

Kisame pushed the door of the apartment with a booted leg. Damn but those two were heavy. Itachi wasn't having as much trouble as all he did was turn the key and waltz in the living room, switching on the TV. The taller Akatsuki heaved and grunted, shooting the Uchiha a dirty look which went ignored. Finally the two drunken ninja were deposited side by side in the small bedroom, their drool quickly staining the sheets.

"Are you done?" Itachi asked, switching the channels with the remote. "I think we should go before the ANBU remember we're supposed to be missing nin and kill our asses off." Kisame glared. "I'm done," the shark-like ninja said, gritting his teeth and restraining the urge to slaughter Itachi with the Samehada.

The Uchiha swung himself off the couch and shoved off, not bothering to switch off the TV. He hadn't walked a couple of steps before he stopped and looked at the bedroom strangely. Kisame saw a very familiar smile cross his partner's face, and knew at that instant an Uchiha Itachi Prank was on the way.

Little did most people know that aside from being known as a psychotic missing nin who forcibly took out tailed beasts from unwilling jinchuuriki (and killing them in the process), Uchiha Itachi was actually one of the elemental countries' number one pranksters.

His most legendary coup involved that of convincing his entire clan besides Sasuke to play dead, setting the whole thing up to look like he slaughtered the whole lot of them. It had taken weeks and weeks of preparation, but in the end the results were more than satisfying.

The look on his little brother's face was too priceless, it took a henge and a silencing jutsu on his face to keep the boy from noticing that Itachi was actually laughing like a madman. And **The Speech**. Oh Kami-sama, **The Speech**. The Uchiha didn't even think he could ever think up something so cheesy ever again.

But of course it wasn't his fault the Konoha council took his prank too seriously and cremated his entire family's "corpses." To their credit the Uchiha clan stuck with the plan the entire way, not even bothering to scream as the Katon jutsus incinerated them alive.

"Do you have your Polaroid with you?"

"Of course, but why would you…"

Kisame followed Itachi's gaze to the bedroom and the two unconscious ninjas. "Are you thinking what I think you're thinking?" the mist ninja asked. Itachi's grin widened. The pair went to work, setting up their most elaborate prank in weeks.

xxxx

Kurenai and Hiashi looked awkwardly at each other, their untouched tea sitting between the pair. The kunoichi reached for the sugar bowl just as the Hyuuga patriarch did and both blushed at the sudden contact. This was the very reason you shouldn't spend the night with a person you barely knew. Mornings get awfully…awkward.

"You know," they began at the same time. Lavender eyes looked away, avoiding the gaze of a pair of scarlet ones. "This is stupid," Kurenai finally began. "We're both consenting adults! Why the hell do we have to be so juvenile about this entire thing?"

"But there's the matter of protocol," Hiashi said. "I can't just…bed you like that. We have to…" the patriarch hesitated, then gathered the courage to finish his sentence. "…we have to marry."

Kurenai blinked. She should have expected as much from the Hyuuga patriarch. The clan had always been straitlaced, and it would be stupid to think they wouldn't think the same way about…incidents…like this one. The kunoichi sipped her tea in silence, glancing in Hiashi's direction. To his credit the man didn't at all look bad. Sure he wasn't the pretty boy Neji was, but then again Kurenai didn't exactly get attracted to men who were prettier than she was.

Hiashi caught her staring. "What is it, Kurenai-san?" he asked tentatively. This brought another smile to the kunoichi's face. Hyuuga Hiashi did not ask you anything tentatively. He plain didn't ask at all. He commanded. He ordered. And to think that the great and mighty patriarch would be acting like an awkward teenager wasn't just strange. It was sort of cute.

Hiashi's hands were trembling. The only contact he had with women involved his own wife, and she had been dead for some years now. He watched Kurenai take another sip of her tea, forced himself to glance away when she noticed him staring. Damn but women were hard to understand. "What?" Kurenai asked, almost sweetly.

""I'm really sorry."

"For what?"

"For, well…"

Kurenai rolled her eyes in disbelief. "If you can't say it I will," the kunoichi said. "One night stand. One. Night. Stand. Kami-sama, you people with the bloodlines are so uptight!" Hiashi forced a cough and reached for his tea. "A Hyuuga patriarch can't very well use such coarse language," he explained. "It would be unseemly."

The taste of green tea washed in Kurenai's mouth. She was feeling the aftermath of yesterday's hangover just as hard as Hiashi surely was, but for some reason she felt awfully good this morning. Suddenly an idea struck her. "Hiashi-kun," she cooed. The Hyuuga patriarch paled, watching Kurenai sashay out of her chair and press a perfectly manicured finger to his lip.

"I don't remember much of what happened last night, Hiashi-kun," Kurenai said, her voice dripping with sensuality. "Wouldn't you like to do a reenactment?" Hiashi backed away, in his hurry he tipped the chair over and fell on his back on the floor. "Yuuhi-san!" the patriarch cried. "Have some decency!"

Kurenai laughed, grabbing Hiashi's shoulders. "Oh come on Hiashi-kun," she said, not even bothering to stifle a giggle. "Don't be such a spoilsport!"

"Yuuhi-san!"

"Hiashi-kun!"

The door opened, startling both of them from their horseplay. A very shocked and gaping Uzumaki Naruto stood in the frame of the door, his backpack dropping from nerveless fingers. Kurenai and Hiashi blinked before they realized they were still barely clothed. Kurenai was wearing the Hyuuga's pale white kimono top and Hiashi was clad only in boxers. The kunoichi spoke quickly to try and salvage the situation.

"Naruto-kun, this isn't what it looks like---"

"What the hell are you two doing in my apartment?"

xxx

Uzumaki Naruto breathed in the special kind of fresh air that came only from a person's home town. He had been gone on a sabbatical for two years, training hard under the tutelage of old Ero-Sennin. The man was a major pervert and all, but hey he had mad skillz. Day and night Jiraiya polished his skills and technique, helping him exponentially with his abilities. Naruto could even control up to three tails of the demon fox successfully now!

Upon arriving he ran into Kakashi-sensei and Sakura and the rest of the Rookie Nine. Overall it was a fantastic afternoon, and after a short briefing from the Hokage he was ready to head back to his old apartment.

Ah his old apartment. Finally no more sleeping on the ground, no more old perverts stealing his wallet to sleep in a hotel while he slept outside in the tent. Just him, his old bed and twenty well deserved hours of sleep. Naruto barely made it upstairs, his lack of decent sleep for three weeks now finally kicking in. He may have nearly limitless stamina, but that didn't mean he didn't need sleep.

He stopped at the door to his old apartment and fumbled in his pocket for the keys. _Ah for a man to be back at his castle_, he thought to himself with a smile. _There is nothing better than_—

Naruto paused, hearing the voices coming from inside his apartment. What the hell? The Hokage said she made sure his apartment wasn't rented out, much to the chagrin of the superintendent who was more than glad to be rid of his "demonic infestation." Still, who'd be stupid enough to break in an apartment that hadn't been lived in for three years? The last time Naruto checked, his laundry had gotten so filthy it was moving on its own will. And that was just before he left.

He drew a kunai, hefting his backpack behind him as he readied himself to strike. The blond took another listen, gathering chakra to his ears. The voices sounded so familiar for some reason. He shook the sensation away and slid the key in. Preparing his mind for the impending battle, Naruto slid open the door.

What he saw was completely unexpected.

While he never was close with either Kurenai-sensei or Hinata's father, seeing them half naked in the middle of his living room was not in _any_ of the scenarios he ever imagined seeing them. Naruto's mind worked in overtime, surprisingly even the usually vocal Kyuubi had nothing to say. **Oh man**, the demon fox finally managed. **This is messed up.**

Naruto found himself agreeing. Holy crap. Holy fucking crap. Holy fucking crap on a shingle. Slowly and surely his mental synapses finally started up again. By the time he was fully coherent there was only one thing he said.

"What the hell are you two doing in my apartment?"

xxxx

This was how Hyuuga Hiashi, honored patriarch of the noble clan of Hyuuga, and Yuuhi Kurenai, Konoha jounin and genjutsu specialist, found themselves outside Naruto's hallway with their clothes thrown out after them. Hiashi sighed. Things couldn't possibly get any worse.

"Hey you two! Fancy seeing you both together on such a fine morning!"

The pair turned to see Mitarashi Anko walking out of an apartment three doors down the hall. The kunoichi was dressed only in a hastily draped blanket so she took no notice of their state (or rather lack of) dress. Kurenai pushed a lock of her hair out of her eyes, trying to look casual. "Fine morning indeed," she said, glancing at the furiously blushing Hyuuga. Hiashi was poking his fingers together, wishing with all his might that he just dissolve into the ground.

Anko picked up the newspaper laid on the doormat and smiled at the pair asking "Naruto come in yet?" Kurenai nodded as the tokubetsu jounin placed the paper under her arm to keep her flimsy attire from unraveling. "Say hi to him for me then!" she called, and ducked into the apartment without another word.

Hiashi blinked. Kurenai blinked. "Okay," the Hyuuga said. "That was…"

"Strange," Kurenai finished for him. The pair looked at each other for a few seconds before the kunoichi started laughing. It took a while before Hiashi finally lightened up and laughed along with her. "Kami-sama," the clan head stated, finally stopping with his convulsive laughter. "Let's never speak of this again."

Kurenai nodded. "Agreed," she said, extending her pinky. Hiashi looked confused before he locked his own pinky around hers. Then they laughed again, for the sheer joy of being able to laugh at themselves.

xxx

Anko returned to the bedroom with the paper in hand. "Morning love," she said sweetly, depositing the newspaper in the silver-haired jounin's hand and planting a kiss on his forehead. Kakashi blinked tiredly as he slipped on his mask. "Thanks Anko-chan," he replied. "Who were those people you were talking to a while ago?"

Anko waved her hand dismissively. "Nobody important," she said.

xxx

For his part Naruto thought the whole thing was over. Seeing those two in his apartment caught in the act of doing whatever it was they were doing…the thought made him shudder and make a mental note to visit Neji's therapist sometime in the future. The prodigy was saying lots of good things.

He looked hesitantly at his sheets and picked up a blanket in between his fingers. Ew. He'll have to disinfect these, or else burn them. Unfortunately a small flash of cardboard caught the corner of his eye and the entire thing just got a lot worse.

The box seemed to contain color photographs, and when Naruto picked them up his mind went crazy again. "They…" the blond gasped, trying to collect himself to no avail. "Took instant pictures?"

His bloodcurdling scream resounded throughout the block.

xxxx

A/N: Welcome back to the rabbit hole. Hope you like this depraved installment and hope you guys come back for more. The next chapter's sure to be more messed up. I think next time I'll be taking the blue pill.

Wanted to have some closure on Anko very nearly raping the hell out of Kakashi. Does either of them live in Naruto's building? I don't know and I don't care. This is a crack fic and anything can happen I tell you.

Please review.


	3. That’s Just Whack

**--Chapter Three--  
That's Just Whack**

**  
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**Author's warning: **This chapter contains gratuitous amounts of out of character behavior. If you are in any way allergic to OOC please consult your doctor before proceeding. Thank you very much.

xxx

On normal days the best treatment Uzumaki Naruto would get from the villagers of Konoha would be a seething death glare. Today however, the crowds on the streets parted like the Red Sea at the approach of the blond genin. Probably has something to do with the sickeningly powerful killing intent erupting from his body at the time, but I'm not too sure.

Naruto was carrying a good sized cardboard box and an angry glare was fixed on his face as he stomped down the dusty streets of the ninja village. Needless to say, he was one angry ninja. Which wasn't without good reason let me remind you. Seeing two loved and respected people in the Konoha ninja community half naked and almost raping the hell out of each other in one's own living room could really push a guy to the edge.

The chuunin on duty at Hokage tower made the mistake of trying to tell him he had no business coming to bother the Godaime without an appointment. Naruto scrubbed him down with more choice words than the bewildered chuunin even knew existed and nobody on the reception area made the mistake of stopping him ever again (specially when he drove said chuunin to tears). The furious glare was still on the boy's face as he ascended the stairways.

Tsunade was startled out of completing a very difficult wave of form signing when the door blew in from the force of a Rasengan. The Hokage found herself drawing a bright red line across the expanse of the documents scattered on her desk. The Godaime blinked and exclaimed "Uzumaki Naruto! What the hell do you think you're doing?" Wordlessly, the boy marched the box under his arm and dropped the contents on the Hokage's desk.

The Hokage stared at the Polaroid photos piled high on her desk and gasped. She fumbled in her drawers for the reading glasses she never admitted she used and looked again. The images won't go away. Which meant only one thing.

"Where did you get these pictures?"

"Under my bed," Naruto began, crossing his arms in frustration. "where apparently the two lovebirds decided to spend the night. The bastards." Tsunade held one photo up to the light and felt a blush. Whoa, old man Hyuuga sure is limber for someone his age, she thought to herself. Unconsciously, she tilted her head and tried to figure out the physics of the entire thing. Naruto slammed his fist on the desk.

"Hey old hag! Aren't you going to do something about this!" he demanded. "Old man Ero-sennin at least has the decency never to pull a prank like this one!" Tsunade dropped the photo back in the pile and took off her glasses. Well, the kid was in the right on this one.

"I'll be speaking to them about this."

"Great." Tsunade cracked her knuckles.

"Oh and Naruto?"

"Yes?"

The village of Konoha turned their heads just in time to see Naruto sailing in the air from a gaping hole in the Hokage tower. In the gap was the Hokage, a vein popping out of her temple as she launched her mostly annoying (though sometimes lovable) guest into low earth orbit. "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR CALLING ME OLD, YOU INSENSITIVE BASTARD!" the Godaime screamed at the quickly disappearing dot on the horizon. "AND DON'T THINK I WON'T BE MAKING YOU PAY FOR THAT DOOR!"

The adrenaline quickly drained from Tsunade's system and once her anger was gone she slouched her shoulders. "Damn," she said. "I need a huge drink just to begin dealing with this major mind-fuck." She shrugged and went off to find where Shizune hid her last bottle.

xxxxx

In another part of Konoha yet another disgruntled shinobi was making his feelings known. Hyuuga Neji was on the warpath. Hiashi-sama had not returned at all the previous night (of course, Neji himself had woken up in a hospital bed with a massive concussion) and the council was up his ass trying to get an explanation as to where the clan patriarch wandered off to.

"How dare you lose the clan patriarch indeed," the prodigy muttered angrily, taking a sip of the juice he had taken from the fridge. "Bastard probably went and got himself laid or something." As he continued muttering oaths the head of the main house walked in the kitchen door. Neji glared. He was going to give the old man a piece of his mind, frying brain cells be damned.

"Hiashi-sama, I--"

The rebuke was caught in Neji's throat as his uncle shot him the full force of the Hyuuga Death Glare™. "Nephew," Hiashi barked "we shall never speak of the events of last night ever again."

"H-hai, Hiashi-sama."

"Excellent."

Hiashi switched off his Byakugan and said "I will be retiring to my quarters. And go find the Hokage's apprentice and see if she has a cure for a hangover." The clan patriarch marched off to his room on decidedly unstable legs and clutching his head with his hand.

Neji was at a loss as to how to even start understanding what just happened so he just wrote it off to one of those crazy things Main House members did to amuse themselves. He shook his head. Hiashi-sama was getting more and more senile everyday. Snarling like a rabid dog, he stomped along the streets of the village until he reached the hospital. As to why the bloody village couldn't find it important to build small, strategically located pharmacies to sell the idiotic medicines he still hadn't figured out, but hey. Cest la vie.

He stopped in front of the receptionist about to ask for some hangover pills when he overheard a couple of nurses talking with Shizune-san herself. Seeing as he really didn't have anything better to do, Neji decided to listen in to their conversation.

"Really Shizune-sama," random nurse # 1 said. "Hokage-sama is certainly overworking you today." The medic nin nodded, prompting another bout of conversation from random nurse # 2. "What is it exactly that keeps you from resigning as her assistant anyway?" Shizune grinned

"Personally? It's the gossip."

"Gossip you say?"

"Yeah gossip!" Shizune said, causing Neji's ears to perk. Of course, any self respecting Hyuuga would say that eavesdropping was beneath him, but like any other self-respecting high-born clan, they also had a tendency to be ferocious closet hypocrites. An there was no hypocrite born like Hyuuga Neji.

"For instance, do you know that the Hokage has dirty pictures of Hyuuga Hiashi and Yuuhi Kurenai stashed in her desk?" Neji almost fell over. What the _fuck_! "Old woman was screaming for her sake when Naruto delivered the things. Apparently the two had the gall to do the dirty in the kid's apartment, the poor bastard."

Hyuuga Hiashi. The head of the main house. One of the village's top jounin. Slept with Yuuhi Kurenai? As in Hinata's sensei? In Uzumaki Naruto's apartment! Neji giggled slightly before he caught himself._ Hyuuga do not giggle_, he reprimanded himself internally.

Neji's blank white eyes kept widening as he heard the details surrounding the photos. Apparently the two had taken a lot of instant pictures and there was a box full of them in Hokage tower. The head of the Branch House pumped his fist in the air. Inside that box of lewd photos was freedom for himself and the rest of the Branch House! Blackmail material enough to liberate them from the oppressive rule of the Main House for all eternity!

Or, Neji conceded, at least serve as a means of amusing himself when things got boring. Hiashi had always been messing with him, why couldn't he do the same, he reasoned.

Neji ran out of the hospital, forgetting to pay for his hangover pills ("Damn you boy! come back here! Those things weren't paid for!"). He turned several corners until he was right on the side street that led to Hokage tower. He'd grab those photos and make Hiashi his bitch! What could stop him now!

The Hyuuga stopped suddenly, hearing a sudden whistling sound coming from above. He activated his Byakugan, too late as it turned out, only to see the plummeting form of Uzumaki Naruto coming down from low earth orbit. Neji screamed, forgetting in that instant that he had mad ninja skills and could have avoided the orange projectile with relative ease. The genin slammed into the jounin, and both created a crater so wide that Konoha Development would later have a fit when the time came for them to repair it.

"Houston," Naruto said, raising his arm shakily. "The Orange Fishcake has landed," he managed to finish before he lost consciousness.

xxxxx

Kurenai was just as distraught. And by distraught I mean totally apathetic. Her hangover was gone, she'd had herself a good long soak in her Jacuzzi and come out feeling very refreshed. So what if she slept with her student's father? They're both consenting adults aren't they? Still, there was still the question of what would happen the morning after. Would they just pretend nothing ever happened? What would Hinata say if she found out? What would Asuma say if he found out?

Why did God create the platypus?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Where's Waldo?

Why isn't the greater part of the Bermuda triangle actually _in_ Bermuda?

Does this dress make me look fat?

Sighing to herself, Kurenai realized that there was no point in dwelling on these questions. Except for that last one, cause Kurenai's vain. What would happen would happen, she said to herself. She'll just have to handle this as it came. The kunoichi dressed quickly, wrapping herself with those cloth wrapping she always wears.

Kurenai skipped out of her apartment, feeling all giddy all of a sudden. _What would actually dating Hiashi be like_, she asked herself. He might be a nice guy for all she knew. Maybe those psychologically traumatizing stories of Hinata's were just exaggeration.

Or not. But still.

The kunoichi realized for the first time that she was nearing the big three-zero and yes, she still wasn't married. For a ninja living up until the age of thirty was equivalent to a civilian reaching the age of fifty. And not being married at that. Kurenai stopped in her tracks.

Damn. That sucks.

Kurenai pursed her lips, tapping them with a perfectly manicured fingernail. What to do what to do. Rich widower, a bit of a cold fish but still looks attractive enough for a guy his age. _Have to do something about the hair though_, she realized. _Can't date a guy whose prettier than…_

The scarlet eyed ninja stopped her train of though. Did she just think she could have a meaningful relationship with someone like Hyuuga Hiashi? "BWAHAHAHAAHAHA!" she laughed, suddenly seeing the humor in all of this. The people around her were looking at her funny but Kurenai didn't care. Her and Hiashi? What a joke.

But then again was there anyone else? Would it be worth it to wait for that cancer-stick consuming ass Asuma to finally come out and pour out all of his feelings for her? The second hand smoke alone would probably kill her off faster than six months of non-stop S-Class missions. Plus she was nearly thirty.

"Tick tock," said the biological clock.

"Crap!" Kurenai cursed under her breath. "Why the hell do these things happen to me!"

xxxxx

Surprisingly enough the hangover wasn't what Hiashi was thinking of right then and there. Sure it was bothersome having a dull throbbing right behind your eyes, but the clan head had bigger issues on hand. So much so that he actually called for his daughters in his chambers.

"Y-y-you c-c-called, otou-sama?" Hinata squeaked timidly as Hanabi came barging in. "What's so important that I have to be torn away from my daily dose of Vernonica Mars?" the younger Hyuuga asked. "Father?"

_Gods I'm truly starting to be annoyed by that little brat_, Hiashi thought as he restrained himself from killing his precious youngest daughter. _Maybe I was wrong to ignore the other one…_ The head of clan Hyuuga was suddenly treated to the sight of his oldest daughter demurely picking her nose.

_Or not._

"What would the both of you say to me remarrying?"

Hinata was too shocked to take her finger out of her nose, and Hanabi's jaw literally hit the tatami floor (when she fell forward as she passed out, silly). "Wh-wh-w-w-what b-b-b-brought th-th-this on, otou-sama?" his eldest daughter asked, taking her finger out of her nose and wiping it on the hem of her robe. Hiashi raised an eyebrow. "Seriously Hinata, between me thinking of you needing either a psychiatrist or a speech therapist I don't know what I'll do with you," her father snapped. Hinata hung her head like a puppy that just got kicked.

"But that's not the point," he said, waving away Hinata's reaction and watching Hanabi regain consciousness. "I've called you both here (despite a massive hangover that won't go away) to discuss this matter of serious import. What do you two think?"

"So who'd you get in trouble?"

Hiashi's head snapped when he realized just what Hanabi had said. The girl looked at him expectantly, waiting for his response. "I said, who'd you get drunk then pregnant that you'd have to marry her."

"Why do you assume that Hanabi-chan, pray tell?"

"Well, you're not exactly the bishounen you once were, father," Hanabi said plainly. "It's hard to believe that anybody would just fall for you or anything. Sure you have that entire looking-better-with-age thing, but let's get serious here. You psychologically traumatize your eldest daughter on a daily basis, you let me get so spoiled I have absolutely no respect for authority, plus you have a superiority complex the size of the state of Maryland," the girl finished, taking a breath. "Not exactly redeeming qualities, father."

Hiashi didn't know whether to be amazed or pissed off.

"Furthermore," she continued "since you did get home just this morning decidedly hung over and with the state of your clothing being what they were, I would postulate that you got yourself drunk, woke up in a random apartment with a girl you've never seen before and find yourself somehow pushed to 'do the honorable thing,' as it were."

"But seeing as you are entertaining the thought of marriage, I'd say this goes far beyond just being a prude. You're genuinely lonely and you realize that you have little time left if you want to get married. Maybe add a few more kids to the bunch even."

"H-h-h-how…" Hanabi shrugged.

"Made it up."

For the second time that morning Hiashi forced back the urge to kill his youngest daughter with a used plastic spork. "W-w-well," Hinata said timidly, pushing her fingers together "I f-f-for one" she swallowed "h-h-have n-n-nothing against the idea." Hiashi actually applauded, surprising his daughter with the clapping.

"Good for you Hinata-chan. Maybe we will get you that speech therapist after all."

"R-r-r-really?"

"No. I just said that so you'd get your hopes up right before I send them crashing down again. I'm sadistic, you see."

For the second time that morning Hinata hung her head, feeling very much like a puppy that got kicked. Hanabi snickered.

"Okay then," Hiashi said "wish me luck and hope that Kurenai will think positively about the idea."

And then the shit hit the fan.

Hanabi was suddenly aware of the powerfully sickening amounts of killing intent coming from her left. She turned to see her older sister, Byakugan activated, glaring daggers at their father. "Oh crap," Hanabi said, recognizing the Hyuuga Death Glare™ in its Mega-Soul-Eating-Demon Mode. "Didn't think I'd live to see the day she snaps."

"You," Hinata growled, sounding more and more like the demon-possessed Emily Rose as she continued talking "got yourself drunk and slept with my SENSEI?" Hiashi actually found himself quivering. _Fear,_ he said to himself as his mind slowly started to cave. _This is true fear!_

"Uh…yeah?"

"I. Am. Going. To. Fucking. Kill. You. "

Hiashi decided that now would be a good time to run.

_**Next Chapter (in a totally different fic from this one):**_

Hyuuga Neji dropped from his horse, his footsteps heavy as he traversed the sands of the coastline. He couldn't believe his eyes, couldn't accept what he was seeing here in front of him.

Lady Liberty herself, sitting like a rusted monument buried neck deep in the sands of the beach. He was still on earth. He had never left….

"Damn you," he mouthed, his fists opening and closing involuntarily. "Damn you all to hell!"

xxxxx

A/N: Sorry, just had to do that.(",) Must be all the sugar I've been eating lately….


End file.
